Echo (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} distant_wisp) wrote,@ 2009-07-09 08:37:00 |
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Substance Abuse...
*sigh* here we go again, i know nobody really cares about hearing other people whine, its just the nature of this realm of existence..still, here i go...
so, binge drinkers, drug abusers, even physical abusers...all of these people are, while not generally well seen as pillars of society, are often greeted with acceptance, and even a certain level of being placed on a pedistool when they come out and say "i have a problem...its a fight, every day, but i fight...just...sometimes...i lose the fight...and my demons win.." okay, so its okay to lose the fight, and lapse into socially destructive behavior such as alcohol or drug or wife or child abuse...as long as you feel sorry for it...
why, then, is the socially destructive forms of substance abuse seen as okay, and those with it readily offered assistance, generally free assistance...when people with more self destructive behavior, rather depression, sexual addictions, or in my case, food addiction (specifically BAN (Bullemic Anorexia Nervosa), AKA BPSD (Binge/Purge/Starve Disorder)) treated as subjects of ridicule, apathy, and often, the butts of jokes...the disorders are driven by the same psycho machina, its all addiction psychosis...
okay, specifically, what goes on with me...
i starve...i starve my self hard, sometimes i get like...700 calories a day...usually more, but often less then 1000, sometimes less then 700...ocasionally ive gone as low as 300, and a couple times ive gone days on nothing but vitamins, coffee, and water...then somebody makes me eat something...be it on a special ocasion like a holiday, or someones birthday, or just outright forces me to eat something that i havent predetermined to be part of my regimine....and then it kicks in, like an engine reving up...mostly it begins with a mentality of "well, as long as im going off my diet anyway...next thing i know, im clearing out the pantry, the fridge, and the freezer..not enjoying any of it really, just shoveling crap down my throat, granola bars, granola cerial, chocolate, chips...i actually munched down a brick of bakers chocolate once...ill eat peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon...what? i like peanut butter...and i have learnt by now to never keep a stock of nutella on hand, unless its about to be used as an ingrediant...and despite all this rampant consumption, of largly empty calories, also known as comfort eating by some (btw, why do comfort foods make you feel so uncomfortable?...) you enjoy...none of it...you arent eating for the enjoyment of the food, you are eating because you cant make your self stop...and its that feeling of loss of control thats the worst..
so, why is this comparable too other adictions? replace the foods i mentioned with anything else, beer, liquour, wine, strait alcohol, or varying drugs, and you see its the same behavior...there is how ever one difference in compulsory eating that divides it from compulsory drinking or drug abuse...alcohol and drug abusers tend to express cyclical behavior of drinking, feeling guilty, and drinking more to make the guilt go away, which makes them feel guilty so they drink more.....people with compulsory eating problems tend to have....all together less healthy methods of managing their guilt...
so, there it is, your unwelcomed glance into my little psychosis...laugh if you will, be disgusted if you like, trust me, i dont blame you, i agree...but i just dont think its fair that other substance abusers are typically greeted with a sense of...almost hero worship, for fighting their addictions, even when they fail...while people with my pathetic little problem are usually shamed into silence...
That is all.
(Post Script.
while you might point out that foood is not in of its self a mind altering substance...unless it has psychodelic mold growing on it...the function of eating, especially eating sugary foods, can be, and often is linked to the release of certain chemicals, which are also linked to the effects of alcohol, you know, endorphines, dopomine, etc...i will spare you my assesment of what binge eating REALLY is, as i feel gross enough as it is...)
the worst thing is, all the cake i ate yesterday probably wasnt even the worst of it...god i just want to go back on my diet >.<
*sigh* here we go again, i know nobody really cares about hearing other people whine, its just the nature of this realm of existence..still, here i go...
so, binge drinkers, drug abusers, even physical abusers...all of these people are, while not generally well seen as pillars of society, are often greeted with acceptance, and even a certain level of being placed on a pedistool when they come out and say "i have a problem...its a fight, every day, but i fight...just...sometimes...i lose the fight...and my demons win.." okay, so its okay to lose the fight, and lapse into socially destructive behavior such as alcohol or drug or wife or child abuse...as long as you feel sorry for it...
why, then, is the socially destructive forms of substance abuse seen as okay, and those with it readily offered assistance, generally free assistance...when people with more self destructive behavior, rather depression, sexual addictions, or in my case, food addiction (specifically BAN (Bullemic Anorexia Nervosa), AKA BPSD (Binge/Purge/Starve Disorder)) treated as subjects of ridicule, apathy, and often, the butts of jokes...the disorders are driven by the same psycho machina, its all addiction psychosis...
okay, specifically, what goes on with me...
i starve...i starve my self hard, sometimes i get like...700 calories a day...usually more, but often less then 1000, sometimes less then 700...ocasionally ive gone as low as 300, and a couple times ive gone days on nothing but vitamins, coffee, and water...then somebody makes me eat something...be it on a special ocasion like a holiday, or someones birthday, or just outright forces me to eat something that i havent predetermined to be part of my regimine....and then it kicks in, like an engine reving up...mostly it begins with a mentality of "well, as long as im going off my diet anyway...next thing i know, im clearing out the pantry, the fridge, and the freezer..not enjoying any of it really, just shoveling crap down my throat, granola bars, granola cerial, chocolate, chips...i actually munched down a brick of bakers chocolate once...ill eat peanut butter out of the jar with a spoon...what? i like peanut butter...and i have learnt by now to never keep a stock of nutella on hand, unless its about to be used as an ingrediant...and despite all this rampant consumption, of largly empty calories, also known as comfort eating by some (btw, why do comfort foods make you feel so uncomfortable?...) you enjoy...none of it...you arent eating for the enjoyment of the food, you are eating because you cant make your self stop...and its that feeling of loss of control thats the worst..
so, why is this comparable too other adictions? replace the foods i mentioned with anything else, beer, liquour, wine, strait alcohol, or varying drugs, and you see its the same behavior...there is how ever one difference in compulsory eating that divides it from compulsory drinking or drug abuse...alcohol and drug abusers tend to express cyclical behavior of drinking, feeling guilty, and drinking more to make the guilt go away, which makes them feel guilty so they drink more.....people with compulsory eating problems tend to have....all together less healthy methods of managing their guilt...
so, there it is, your unwelcomed glance into my little psychosis...laugh if you will, be disgusted if you like, trust me, i dont blame you, i agree...but i just dont think its fair that other substance abusers are typically greeted with a sense of...almost hero worship, for fighting their addictions, even when they fail...while people with my pathetic little problem are usually shamed into silence...
That is all.
(Post Script.
while you might point out that foood is not in of its self a mind altering substance...unless it has psychodelic mold growing on it...the function of eating, especially eating sugary foods, can be, and often is linked to the release of certain chemicals, which are also linked to the effects of alcohol, you know, endorphines, dopomine, etc...i will spare you my assesment of what binge eating REALLY is, as i feel gross enough as it is...)
the worst thing is, all the cake i ate yesterday probably wasnt even the worst of it...god i just want to go back on my diet >.<
