whos fucking bright idea was it to spell desert and dessert almost exactly the same anyway? i still get mixed up as to which is which

it occurs...chamber of secrets...didnt this book come out before parents got so uptight about online predators and kids being seduced and what not...? its kinda a direct allusion...i dunno...what ever...

i have got to find something to do with my time besides food...eating food, avoiding food, talking about food, and avoidance there of, and looking at, quite frankly, gastric pornography......

anyway, on further inspection, actually you can taste the difference between this and regular hazelnut butter, but not only just...it..isnt bad i admit, but its not what i would call nutella...maybe if i had used some real chocolate...milk chocolate? 36% maybe? or maybe something a bit more bitter, maybe closer to 56%...anyway...whatever...

so thats why ive never seen a recipe for nutella made with white chocolate...you cant really taste the difference between it and strait up hazelnut butter...dunno what i expected, white chocolate is primarily vanilla flavored cocoa fat...still...well, i guess its good enough...didnt need to add any oil or even melt the chocolate...hmmm, maybe if i had added a little salt it would have brought out the flavor a bit more...

oh well, life is a school, to live is to learn...

i think ive figured it out...yes, more of my dietary diatribe... but i really think ive figured out whats going on...

the way i figure it, its a vicious cycle...i over eat...which gets my motabolism running in high gear...then feel guilty about it and starve...and because my motabolism is running in high gear, i burn through all the sugars and carbs and fats in my system almost instantly, leading to carb cravings, which, starts the cycle over again........

meh, its a theory..

*sigh* here we go again, i know nobody really cares about hearing other people whine, its just the nature of this realm of existence..still, here i go...

( irritating self loathing whining.. )
the worst thing is, all the cake i ate yesterday probably wasnt even the worst of it...god i just want to go back on my diet >.<

i know youve heard me talk about yogurt, yogurt mixed with instant pudding, greek yogurt, strained yogurt, yogurt cheese...

i thought you might like a visual representation as to WHY i am so enamored by the substance...

( picture and details after the cut )
in unrelated news, im sorry, i know they royally fucked up the movie from the book's standards, but i cant help it, i like the movie better, i cant explain why, but i do...

"Did you know i like Jonas from Jonas brothers because...because...be....uhm,  because...hes cute? did you know that?"

god....i hope she doesnt grow up to become a  sheep...im so fucking tired of boy bands...

i must have missed  it, how effing old is lex?  gods the movie fucked around with the characters...but how old is lex, the inflections in this reader's voice, which i think is wrong, makes her sound like...6...,maybe 7...its vuagly like they inverted lex and tim, if tim were much younger...this is confusing...having only a few characters makes sense, increases the fright factor, decreases production costs...but why would you buttfuck the characters like this? i still kinda like the movie better then this...but still

okay, for starters, the yogurt cheese, ill be forward, i know most of you could care less, but this was really good, and incredibly high in protein...it needed to drain longer, maybe a full 8 hours..

the mac and cheese, yes, i ate it...in fact i ate the whole thing in one day...sigh...i give up, this time, beleive it or not, i mean it...this shit isnt worth the missery anymore..ill leave it at that, nobody really wants to hear it..anyway, in a word, omfg, if you can call that a word...in my mind, this is how mac and cheese was meant to be...

third, jurassic park, sitting here listening to the audiobook, cause im too damn lazy to read...holy fuck this book is nothing at all like the movie...well, there are similaritites.....how ever, like it or not, im going to go out on a limb here and say....this is one of the few times i actually like the movie better...then again im only about too the scene with the trex so...i might change my oppinion later..

meh, thats it for now...

well, i bought some smoked salmon (cajun spiced, we shall see if its eddible, i like spicy stuff but even i have my limits) from kroger, kinda like an intermediary between winndixie and publix in quality, wd has crap, publix usually has fairly good stuff...anyway... so, i am ill inclined to have nothing  but a chunk of smoked fish meat for lunch, so, im going to dress it up with cheese...hopefully this wont be like yesterday's rice cooker mac and cheese fiasco (incredibly thick, incredibly gooey, and sharp as a razor blade, made with 1 brick extra sharp white chedar and half a brick of cream cheese, i would have loved it, if only i would eat it, and nobody else here likes cheesy mac and cheese, i honestly think i could pour milk with yellow food color over elbow pasta and these guys would be happy)...so basically i ended up with mac and cheese that i wont eat but would be perfect for me, and nobody else will eat, because you can actually taste the cheese...

ahem, anyway, back from tangent... im making a form of cream cheese to go with my smoked salmon if you failed to glean that from my little rant, which wouldnt surprise me in the least, im rather hard to understand while ranting...how? you ask...well, this is fat free cream cheese...of a sort...there are 3 generally accepted textures of yogurt...of which im using fat free...1 is typical store bought yogurt, to get to number 2, strained, or greek style, yogurt, you take phase 1, and stick it in a cheese cloth, or coffee filter lacking anything better, over a mesh strainer, over a bowl, for about 8 hours, allowing the whey to drain off, leaving the culture extra thick, about the taste and consistancy of sour cream, as i have mentioned...to get to phase 3, you strain if for a further 4 to 8 hours, or simply buy greek yogurt and strain for 4 to 8 hours instead of regular yogurt for 16...i did the latter, using oikos, i blended in some dried lemon zest, salt, lots of salt >.>...a few twists from a garlic and herb grinder, and a pepper grinder, some chopped dried chives...i think thats it, and now im leaving it to strain untill lunch time, by which time most of the whey should have drained off...you can do this in the fridge but as long as you are using it same day, you can just leave it out on the counter...which is what im doing. will let you know if this was at all edible...basically im making smoked salmon dip, without it being a dip, for lunch....this should be interesting...

for the past 4 or so days ive been living off a diet of..oh..700 calories a day...that takes effort to be honest as thats less then most take in during a snack.. to be fair this isnt new, ive been doing it off and on for a while now, which is what has lead to me being down in the 120s for my weight...

i am done. period, i am sick of this...i know ive said it before, but...*sigh* i give up...this doesnt make me happy, nobody else cares one way or another, in fact, besides kitty and birdy have been paying attention at all, and even if not, i know both of them, are sick of hearing me bitch about it. And im not going to kill my self with it, kitty has assured me of that...so i am..done.

If eating is the only thing in life that brings me any joy, so be it, from now on im eating what i want, when i want. If i binge, i binge, if i get fat, i get fat, if i get sick of life and blow my brains out, then i do that too, but i cant take any more of this self induced missery thats done nothing but isolate me from my friends and make my family hate me...

and god only knows what this has done to my beloved baby sister, god i hope i havent hurt her with all this stupidity..the main reason for my recent starvation is because i realized i was just as much a jerk to her when i ate as i was when i starved, so when i starved atleast i didnt have the energy to boss her around...

but yeah, no good has come of this endless self denial, its brought me nothing but a new form of self loathing to replace the other forms ive been fostering for most of my life..

so, yeah, whatever..later

EDIT: sorry if that lacked...somthing...dad was screaming about somthing and i had to run before i could edit it...anyway, even if i do find i lack the strength to stop this stupid shit, the least i can do is keep it on the download and not complain about something im doing to my self...say, anybody know what we are doing for annes birthday?

apparently while i was out of town, my neighbors house was broken into, and they also from my garage stole two lawn mowers, a chain saw, two hedge trimmers, probably several other tools, and my bicycle.....

do you know the worst thing? i cant even summon the energy to care.....

my level of apathy is almost to the point that i have concidered not even turning in a police report...if not for the fact that i might get money from the insurance company if i do in fact say something

you might have guessed..im starving my self again...we were in atlanta...angel was there getting dental work done, closest place that her insurance would cover. i went to the mall to get her some super soft oatmeal cookies to snack on...the only ones they had had walnuts in them...so instead i ended up binging shamefully on cookies and brownies and anything else in the food court that cought my eye...and so, im starving my self to make up for it...if i ever figure out who it was who made me feel guilty about my weight ill strangle him...though i think it was probably the typical social nonsense and beauty magazine thing which is, generally, the main cause for most...

worse, i feel an urge to make another gooeycake, which is all i need *rolls eyes* (gooey butter cake, think cheesecake brownies made out of cakemix...)

and there it is, your proof that my priorities are fucked...im more upset over food, or lack there of, then i am over the fact that ive been robbed...i think im gonna go lay down or something, bye...

we decided to have dinner here... as usual i am terrified of eating...but eat i shall... anyway...the service here is beyond shitty. hopefully the food does not match...

~binge...and starve, and binge and purge and starve! binge binge binge, purge starve starrrrrvvve! the anorexia bullemia shoooooooow.~

you know, i wouldnt mind eating more if i could put on the breaks...im wondering if its not a starvation mode thing...you know, how you should never give a man dieing of thirst in the dessert (how ever its spelled) a cantine, but rather, allow him to have small ammounts at a time...

anyway, i found today that i was down around 120...ive passed out a few more times..and yesterday while i was in the middle of doing something i felt like someone had jammed their hand into my rib cage and  squeazed the fuck out of my heart...and then decided "you know...enough is enough, either finish starving, or start eating again, cause its been atleast 4 months sense youve done anything just for enjoyment"...and i mean that...anything...yes...even that...

so...ive decided...it doesnt seem to matter to anyone else, so i might as well just eat...if i get fat, i get fat, who gives a damn, i starved it off once, i can do it again easily enough...so fuck it, Hel, maybe tomorrow ill go to the dublin farmers market, if you can fucking call it that, and grab a deep fried snickers...ive been hearing about them...and wondering what the attraction is...im imagineing they batter it in donut dough so itll be kinda like a donut with nuts caramel chocolate and nougat filling...

yeah, its time for your semi local emaciated annorexic jackass to review something it ate...

earlier i reviewed fage fat free strained yogurt, found it a wonderful substitute for sour cream in addition to other uses, i often have it with a granola bar crumbled up in it with some kind of sweetener...

well today was the real stuff, fage total, all 100% of its fat included...

mmmmmmm

Texture: much denser and thicker, especially if you dont stir it, id say something like a pudding or soft cheese..

Flavor: sweeter, creamier, definitely less tart...a tiny bit cheesy...

How did i have it: i folded in some vanilla extract, with a bit of home made apple spice, and truvia natural noncaloric sweetener (think splenda meets sugar in the raw) result? verrrry nice, slightly sweet, slightly spicy, and slightly reminiscent of mascarpone cream...over all? i like

sigh..."im sick of this diet" i said, "there are cooler, or at least easier ways of commiting suicide" i said...start eating again..well, over eating...bah, Hel with it, out right binging (which is another eating disorder...characterized by a sense of not being able to shut off you're eating and generally things being out of your controll...)

...look down at the scale, find i seem to have put on 15 pounds in several days...failing to accept that it was almost all of it water weight..decided to cut back, cut too far back...

now, not a week after having resolved to eat more, im eating so little that my weight has dwindled all the way to 125...what the fuck is wrong with me?

warning. do. not. go. to. see. this. with. maria. she wont make it past the opening cartoon let alone the first ten minutes which will literally tear out your beating heart and devour it infront of you...it made me wheep like a woman infront of my baby sister so...do not see this with maria. that is all.

fucking servival instinct...you wake up sprawled out on the floor with no idea how you got there one time and all of a sudden all it takes is one little shouting match with your mom to knock you off your game...

damnit i was so close too, damnit damnit damnit...oh well, i supose there are easier ways to commit suicide...less dismal as well, still i was rather enjoying being able to stroll around in the summer heat and say "damnit its chilly"...

anyway, echo is eating again...atleast for the time being...speaking of, if you ever decide to make a gooey butter cake, i dont care what the fucking recipe says, a whole box of powdered sugar is WAY to fucking much...go with half a box and taste test, also, for the filling portion, use softened butter, not melted butter as the recipe calls for, go on and bake a bit longer then the minimum baking time, and enjoy rich gooey goodness

EDIT: also, please someone just smack me, smack me hard if i just royally go off the deep end...starving to death is not productive, but neither is inflating like a balloon,

first things first...im at moms again..because greg smashed a glass table and cut the fuck out of him self...dont worry...hes not seriously injured, just bled all over the house...more on this later...

i have a new cellphone and service..verizon...okay, seriously, wtf is their excuse for this? "sure, you can use an mp3 as a ringtone! you just have to..have bought it from us *sadistic bastard cackleing* this is shit...but the phone is otherwise awesome...i need to show it off some time...


third, and then its bed time...

mom has basically given me an ultimatem, either start eating more or shes going to start making me...im unsure how to feel about this...i dont want to eat more, i dont want to gain back weight, and also theres the obvious fact im actually TRYING to be self distructive and kill my self, alternatively it kinda brings up the munchousen syndrome thing ive been concidering for a while..ie "am i doing this because i honestly want to die? or am i doing it because i want attention?"...i think its the former, but atleast i admit the fact that i might just be emowhoreing...sigh...either way...i do mean this...i fucking hate my life...